


The Weight of Your Shadow

by FormidablePassion



Series: My DCJ Fics [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Anxiety Attacks, Canonical Character Death, Cas and Jimmy are twins, DCJ Big Bang, DCJ Big Bang 2019, Dean/Cas/Jimmy - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Incest, M/M, Marijuana, Minor Cain/Naomi, Minor Character Death, Minor Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Multi, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Incest, Twincest, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, dcj
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 14:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FormidablePassion/pseuds/FormidablePassion
Summary: After a phone call from Sam, everything and nothing changes in Dean’s life. A trip home brings back a flood of memories and long repressed feelings. While doing his best to be the rock for everyone, even through his own anger and heartache from their loss, Dean learns a truth he only ever hoped for in his dreams. Cas and Jimmy make letting his guard down and being vulnerable so easy, taking the next step in his life, will be hard but it will be worth everything.





	The Weight of Your Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time I decided that there wasn't enough DCJ in the world and after poking [Jhoom](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jhoom/pseuds/jhoom) and getting reassurances that it was a good idea, The DCJ Big Bang was launched. This is the third DCJBB and this will be the first time I have participated in it.  
> Many many thanks, and blood sacrifices, go to [TreeFrogie84](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TreeFrogie84) for being my forever beta and making sure to fix all my fuck ups. You're the best. 
> 
> Last but most certainly not least, my artist, Pimmy who created the [lovely art work](https://www.flickr.com/photos/146072938@N08/48586944137/in/photostream/lightbox/) for this fic. Thanks a ton, Pimmy.
> 
> For those of you who are interested I have a time stamp in the works that I will be adding later so if you're interested subscribe so you'll be notified when it goes up.

Dean stood at the end of the driveway, watching a few clouds lazily float across the bright blue sky and the sun glinting off the nearest mountain peaks. The scent of rich dirt, cherry blossoms, the fresh smell of the vines in various stages of growth, and the smell of fresh water from Lake Berryessa nearby, filled his senses. The scent, deeply embedded in his core, brought with it blurred memories of running wild over of the landscape, weaving between the rows of grapes and ending up bent over with his hands on his knees, breath ragged, under the cherry trees, looking up just in time to see two pairs of sparkling blue eyes coming quickly at him. Dean remembers grinning and taking off towards the lake.

Fast on the heels of that memory came the memory of the last time he left, the last time he spoke to Dad. 

> _"Of course you're going to accept the contact! This is your dream, Dean! The major leagues!"_
> 
> _"No dad. It was never my dream. It was always your dream."_
> 
> _"What? What are you saying? Don't say stupid things Dean, you wanted this too."_
> 
> _"No, dad. I never wanted this. I wanted to go to school. And I did. I knew I would never get an academic scholarship like Sammy, so I had to do what I knew I could get money for. Now I'm done. I have the money to do what I want. What I really want."_
> 
> _"What? Being a social worker? That's not what you want, Dean."_
> 
> _"Don't you dare tell me what I do and don't want in life. Not anymore."_
> 
> _"Don't give this up, Dean. Not to be some piss poor social worker, scraping by paycheck to paycheck."_
> 
> _"I don't care about the paycheck! It's not about that!"_
> 
> _"Then what is it about?"_
> 
> _"The fact that you even have to ask that tells me you wouldn't understand. I have to go."_
> 
> _"Don't walk out on this, Dean. You'll regret it!"_

One more deep breath of mountain air fortified him enough to get back into the Impala and drive up to the main house and park off to the side. 

The sharp rap on the window near his ear startled him. He looked over to find a sad smile on Cain’s face, blue eyes filled with concern. Cain didn’t look too much different-- sharp blue eyes that caught far more than Dean has ever been comfortable with, work hardened hands and tan skin. Only his hair had grown longer and grayer. Dean couldn’t help but smile back. 

Dean rolled the window down. “Afternoon, Sir.” 

The man raised one eyebrow in an echo of an expression Dean was all too familiar with from his sons. “Son, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told you to call me Cain.” 

Dean smiled softly and looked down to his lap before he met Cain’s eyes again. “More than I can count.” 

“You been sitting out here for about twenty minutes now. I stopped everyone else from coming out.” 

Dean took a deep breath through his nose and took in the almost forgotten aroma that was unique to Cain. He grew up with that smell and it always meant good things. 

Dean tilted his head to the passenger seat. Dean waited with the window lowered, a slight breeze bringing in the sweet smells from the vineyard around them, while Cain climbed into the passenger side of the cart. 

Cain didn’t pressure him, sitting quietly after lowering the window. He gave Dean the time he needed. He always did.

“It’s driving all of them crazy, isn’t it?” 

Cain chuckled. “You have no idea.” 

“I just don’t know if I can handle Sam right now,” Dean admitted. 

“Brothers can be overwhelming. Especially during times like these.” 

“How’s Naomi?” 

“Still full of spirit, as always. She’s keeping all the boys busy, so no one has time to think about it.” 

Dean nodded. “I’m sorry,” Dean whispered hoarsely.

“My dear boy, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

“He meant a lot to you, to Naomi, the entire vineyard.” 

“He meant more to you. And to Sam.” 

“I never got to apologize.” 

“You never needed to. He never apologized to you either. Your daddy,” Cain took a deep breath, “he still loved you. He was a good man and tried to be a good father. It took a long time, but he was coming around. He was talking about coming to see you after harvest.” 

Dean looked over at a man that had changed their lives. He knew that Cain had a huge influence on John, but Dean never thought he would hear that John was actually going to reach out to him. 

“You don’t have to come in the main house,” Cain offered. 

“I can’t go in his… in _there_ . I just _can’t_. Not yet.” Dean sniffed, blinked back the wetness that started to gather. He wasn’t sure if it was the loss of his father, or the loss of the potential relationship that was causing his eyes to sting. 

“Whenever you’re ready, Dean. I can keep the wolves at bay. Or you can go to the boys’ house.” 

“Are they helping Sam? Holding him together?” 

“Sam’s stronger than you think. But yes. They are incredibly concerned about you though. I had to hide all the car keys to keep Castiel from driving to your place when you wouldn’t answer your phone.” Cain smiled. 

Dean’s soft snort filled the empty space between them. “I bet Jimmy was no help with that.” 

“You know James. He came up with more and more ridiculous ways to get to you, including flying marine life.” They both chuckled. “Good thing Sam called. They were climbing the walls.” 

Dean hummed his response, eyes unfocused as pink and white petals floated down from the branches to settle into the earth. 

“Sitting here will just make it worse when I do go in. I better just bite the bullet.”

Cain nodded his approval and waited for Dean to make the first move. When Dean retrieved his luggage from the trunk, his fingers slowly danced over the suit bag, freshly dry cleaned and pressed, laying in wait for what was to come. He hauled both the bag and the suit from the trunk before Cain smiled at him. They somberly made their way into the Novak home. 

* * *

The next morning, Dean watched Cas as he stood at his easel in the morning sunshine. Ears filled with music, no shirt, and sleep pants-- with more paint on them than any sleep pants should-- hanging low on sharp hips, Cas danced slowly on bare feet, gliding the paintbrush over the canvas.

Dean inhaled the scent of the coffee he held and turned his head slightly when he heard Jimmy shuffle up behind him. Cuddling close, Jimmy rested his head on Dean’s shoulder as they watched Cas. 

Without jostling Jimmy too much, Dean grabbed his phone from his pocket, letting his thumb slide over the camera app. He held it up and framed Cas against the large picture window and the breathtaking view of mountains and lake beyond, and waited. Every picture of Cas, or Jimmy, would be perfect, but there was something about _this moment_ that Dean needed to get _perfect_. 

_Click._

He had captured Cas perfectly, eyes closed and head tilted back, dust motes dancing along rays of light and into the halo surrounding him. His brush was poised halfway to his palette filled with a rainbow of colors, some long dried and some fresh, ready to come alive on the canvas. 

“Holy fuck,” Jimmy whispered when he saw the photo. 

Dean knew that feeling exactly. 

“You _have_ to send that to me” 

Dean could only nod. He looked back up to watch the real thing. How Cas’ body moved as he danced, the muscles tightening and relaxing as he decided on the next brush stroke. 

Dean knew that he had to face the reality of the outside world and his father’s death soon, but for now he wanted to stand in a home studio with the two people his heart ached for.

* * *

Dean, Sam, Cas, and Jimmy all piled in the Impala when it was time to pick up Jess. Dean ignored Sam’s raised brow. Dean knew the ride was going to be a tight fit, but he had other plans. Dean pulled over by a hiking trail near the lake and grinned at Sam’s questioning look. 

“The guys and I are gonna get out here. Go get Jess and meet us back here.” Dean patted Sam on the shoulder and slid out of the Impala, allowing Sam to slide into the driver seat. 

“You sure, Dean? It’s gonna be a while.” 

“Positive. Let me grab something from the trunk first.” 

Cas and Jimmy didn’t question it. They both stood off to the side while Dean grabbed two backpacks from the trunk and upon closing it, patted it twice. 

“You be careful with my Baby.”

“See you soon.” Dean watched as his brother drove off. 

He turned to find two curious sets of blue eyes on him. He held up the bags with a grin. “Picnic. Figured we could use it. Sit where we can watch the lake, get hypnotised by The Glory Hole.” Dean winked at them. 

Cas’ eyebrow rose and Jimmy smirked right back. 

“Alright. We can do that.” Jimmy took a bag and turned to hike up to the spot they used when they were teenagers. 

Cas’ eyes softened to something close to pity. Ignoring it, Dean stepped close, closer even than Cas’ usual invasion of personal space. With Cas’ sharp intake of breath, Dean reached up, Cas’ lips parted, and... Dean picked paint from the side of Cas’ face. 

Dean winked at Cas then stepped around him to catch up with Jimmy.

* * *

That night when Dean was curled up in “Jimmy’s” bed, he paid no attention to the hushed whispers from the other room. He knew the twins were talking about him. 

Instead Dean watched the moon creep from behind the cherry trees and slowly crawl across the dark sky with the stars chasing after it. Eventually, the talking stopped and the house fell to silence. Dean spared a fleeting thought to Sam and Jess in the main house but knew that they had been back to visit this place more recently than he had. 

Dean let his eyes slip closed and let the moon carry him into the darkness among the stars.

* * *

Dean stood at the entrance of the funeral tent, the intense California sun beating down on his black suit as he watched people come together and then part inside. Some with tears in their eyes and some with subdued smiles. Dean took a moment to try to imagine who John Winchester had become to earn those reactions from people at his death. 

A careful touch at the small of his back brought him back to himself. He looked to find Jimmy next to him staring at the crowd. Jimmy’s arm brushed against Dean’s before Jimmy met his gaze. 

Dean offered him the smallest of smiles. The only kind that he could offer. They both knew it wasn’t a reassurance. Cas walked behind Jimmy and stepped to face them. 

“We should find our seats.” Cas and Jimmy both took one of his hands and led him to the front. Dean didn’t even protest that he didn’t need to be coddled. Something twinged deep inside his chest as neither let go of him. Dean wondered if they were giving him an anchor so he didn’t run away or merely for support. 

As well as they knew him, it was both.

Dean stared blankly at the small metal container-- too small to hold his larger than life father-- and ignored the swirling crowd as best he could. The pillar the ashes rested on was okay, he guessed, certainly it was plain enough for John’s taste. The large photo of his father in his Marine Dress Blues was a bit much-- nearly life size, John glared out into the crowd-- but the overwrought bouquet was really what took the cake. John would have _hated_ it.

Dean sat there and listened. Cain spoke of him with respect. He always saw a side of John no one else did. Sometimes Dean wished he could see John through Cain’s eyes. Maybe the vast emptiness inside of him would be filled with something other than anger and confusion. 

Cas and Jimmy slid their hands into Dean’s when Sam approached the lectern, intertwining their fingers and squeezing. Dean looked down briefly, unable to meet Sam’s eyes-- he should be up there, he’s the oldest, but even if he and Dad had apologized, he’s not sure he could have gotten through this. Taking a deep breath, Dean looked back up and nodded for Sam to go ahead. 

“Most of you know me. For those of you that don’t, I’m Sam. John’s younger son. His passing came unexpectedly for everyone. I’m sure it was the most surprising to my dad.” Sam paused for small chuckles to pepper the gathering. “He was a good man, my dad. Many of you knew him as the manager here. He passed on his support and wisdom to you and I know he was highly respected. Dad always was good at commanding respect.” Sam stopped and looked at his feet before continuing. 

“It took John Winchester a long time to become the man you knew.” Dean didn’t even have it in him to scoff silently. “He had demons, just as most of us do. He was haunted for a long time by the death of our mother. He made mistakes.” 

Sam looked directly into Dean’s eyes. “It took him a long time to recognize some of those mistakes but he did. He was on his way to reconciling them. Trying to make them right and live a life he could be proud of in the process.” 

Dean’s jaw ached, he was clenching his teeth so hard. The hands holding his tightened in response and Cas’s free hand closed over Dean’s forearm as Sam continued to speak. 

“I know for a fact that Dad wanted nothing more than right wrongs and get the second chances that most people don’t get.” 

His leg bounced anxiously against Jimmy’s in the narrow chairs. Dean needed to move, to get out of there. 

“My father wasn’t perfect, no one is, but I learned long ago that he did the best that he could in the circumstances he was presented with. Sometimes it’s better to let go so that we can find peace.” 

Dean tried to pull away from Cas and Jimmy’s hands, but they refused to let go and Jimmy moved his other hand to his forearm. 

“We’re all here, no matter the role of John Winchester in our lives, to say our final goodbyes to him.” 

Dean couldn’t breathe.

“To let go. To find peace.” 

Sam’s words sounded like they were under water. A warmth ghosted over Dean’s ear. “Breathe, Dean, we’ve got you.” Jimmy moved his hand slowly from his forearm to lace their fingers and moved his other hand around his shoulders. Dean barely registered the movement, mind and body almost completely numb.

Finally finished, Sam turned to their father’s urn and put his hand on it. “Goodbye, Dad.” 

A chorus of “Goodbye, John,” lifted all around Dean. 

When Sam turned around and caught his eye, Dean closed his. Jimmy and Cas both pressed closer to his sides, keeping his pieces from flying apart, as Cain took Sam’s place. 

Dean refused to open his eyes after that. The world around him ceased to exist. Seconds, years, decades passed. 

Dean slowly came back to himself. Cas’ body shook slightly before calming again. Jimmy’s thumb rubbed circles on Dean’s shoulder while Cas was gently massaging Dean’s forearm. They both pressed against him so tight Dean wasn’t even sure he was holding himself up. 

Their voices came next. 

“—lay down and relax. Maybe give you a massage. Cas is amazing at that.” 

“Just keep breathing, Dean. We’ve got you,” Cas murmured close to his ear.

“We won’t leave you. We will always be here for you.” Jimmy’s breath was like a fresh breeze on his neck.

“Always.” Cas’ words were spoke with such devotion that Dean had a hard time taking his next breath. 

“You back with us?” Jimmy asked quietly. 

Dean swallowed and nodded. 

“No rush. We’re completely alone,” Cas assured him. 

Except they weren’t, they couldn’t be. John’s ghost will be following Dean around for… a long time.

Dean’s legs nearly collapsed back under him when he tried to stand. Quickly, Cas and Jimmy wrapped arms around his waist to support him. 

They stood like silent sentinels at his side-- like they have his entire life-- and gave him so much more than a physical support. They always had. They’d borne witness to every life-altering event so far, even this one, the one he wasn’t expecting for decades.

Dean stepped closer to the pillar. 

One step. 

Another. 

Dean raised his foot to take another step and stopped. 

He stared at the picture of his father. Younger in that photo than Dean was standing there, a man who was everything to so many people. A man that should have been everything to Dean. Dean looked over to the urn. The American flag folded in a triangle sat next to it. 

Dean swallowed and turned on his heel. The twin blue eyes staring back at him held nothing but understanding. 

Dean fled the tent.

* * *

Sitting at the cliff’s edge, his legs dangling over the side, Dean shredded grass blades into tiny pieces before letting the light breeze carry them away. No one would look for him here-- not with his well-known distaste for heights. He could hide and be alone. 

The sun was setting before someone finally found him. Naomi, out of her dress slacks and back into jeans, lowered herself next to Dean. They sat in comfortable silence for a long time. Dean tracked the movement of the sun as he waited. It had almost kissed the horizon before he finally gave in and spoke. 

“Are they worried?” His voice was rough with disuse. He can’t remember speaking more than a handful of words since he woke. 

“Your brother and Jess are. Cain managed to talk some sense into the twins.” 

They fell silent again, watching the sun sink below the horizon and the breeze pick up waves on the lake.

“My father left us. We never knew if he was coming home.” Naomi broke the silence abruptly. She took a ragged breath. “Some of my siblings, they can’t pinpoint the moment or day, or even year they gave up wondering if he would come home and just _knew_ he wouldn’t.” Naomi paused. “I can pinpoint the moment I knew.” 

Dean watched her, her short grey hair caught in a breeze and mussed. The rising shadows covered her face, still stern, but he knew better than that. 

“It was a Thursday, still warm with a nice breeze. I was actually in town. Halloween was coming and Cain asked me to stock up on more candy for the kids. My brother Zachariah called. They found his body in a motel. One of Mistress Magda’s sex workers had called it in.” Naomi chuckled humorlessly. “It took me a very long time to accept it. I never forgave him. He never earned forgiveness. I had to learn to accept this thing that happened in my life and move on. More importantly, I had to learn to forgive myself.” She looked over at Dean with a small smile. 

“For what?” He asked. 

She took so long to answer that Dean worried his quiet words had been swept away with the wind. 

“All of it. My father wasn’t very hands on. He was very strict. Even if he didn’t say things directly to us, to me, he made his opinion known and I always failed. He never had to yield the whip and bring it down on my back. I would do it for him. Those we love can hurt us without ever raising their voice or lifting a finger.” 

Dean nodded because he was intimately acquainted with the voice in his head, the one that sounded suspiciously like John Winchester, that he spent years battling against. Sometimes, he worried he would have lost to it long ago if it weren’t for Cas and Jimmy in his life. And Sammy of course. But that was shit he would never put on him. 

“If you were waiting for an apology or an explanation, you’ll never get it now. Besides, I learned long ago, receiving an apology isn’t for you, it’s for them, to help ease their burden of guilt. We can choose to forgive, or not, without it. We can accept things and move on too.”

Dean nodded again. 

“Dean, I’m not telling you what to do. You have a lot of baggage to handle when it comes to your Daddy. I just want to tell you how I feel. I love you, boy. Have since you were raising hell as a youngin’ with the twins and now as a grown man who is changing lives everyday. I was blessed to find Cain. I never had my own children, but he didn’t just bless me with his own boys as mine. I woke up one day and realized that I had four amazing boys.”

Dean felt the tears forming and tried not to let them fall. 

“You’re part of this family and have been for a very long time, even before I was. We will always be here for you and you can always call this home. Just please. Find it in your heart to forgive yourself. Accept the past and move beyond it. You deserve happiness.” She looked over her shoulder toward the house Jimmy and Cas shared and back at him. “No matter what form it may come in.” 

Dean could only nod as the tears tipped over and started falling. Naomi gathered him into her arms and held him tight. Once again, he found his pieces being held together by strong arms and soft words. 

When Naomi pulled away, she sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Now don’t you go staying out here all night. I’ll tell your brother you’re safe.” 

Dean nodded and Naomi stood with grace before she headed back to the main house. Dean wiped his eyes then sniffed as he pressed the palms of his hands on the cool grass before leaning back and watching the stars begin to twinkle in the darkness. 

Dean wasn’t surprised one bit when he heard the soft footsteps come up from behind him. Someone sat next to him in the darkness in the same spot Naomi had. 

“Jimmy keeping Sam from losing his shit?” Dean asked. 

He was rewarded with a pleasant, deep, rumble of laughter that rolled out of Cas’s chest and danced across the night air. 

Dean watched the night sky as Cas shuffled around. The flick of a lighter broke the silence and the glow formed, dancing in the cool night before the smoke curled and floated over to his nose. The deep inhale and the smooth exhale of his best friend was soothing as they watched the smoke curl in the moonlight before slowly disbursing.

* * *

Dean woke with the sun, but couldn’t force himself out of bed. The house was silent again while Dean lay there ignoring his bladder. He didn’t want to get up. He knew that the twins would be nothing but amazing, they always were, but he also just wanted to spend the day ignoring his feelings. 

He heard Cas up first puttering around the kitchen, a good forty-five minutes before Jimmy started moving. Eventually, Dean heard the other bedroom door open and close. Jimmy’s slippered feet shuffled on the hallway and stopped at his door. Dean held his breath and waited for the knock that never came. Instead, Dean heard a soft sigh before Jimmy’s feet carried him further away. Sounds from the kitchen floated through the house again. 

Dean could picture it well enough though. Similar to Dean’s first morning in their home, Jimmy would be watching Cas paint. Except, instead of resting his head, sleep warm and bed ruffled, on Dean’s shoulder, he could wrap his arms around Cas’ bare waist and trail kisses from Cas’ shoulder to his neck. Cas would give him a soft smile before kissing Jimmy softly on the lips. 

Dean’s chest constricted tightly. Suddenly it was too much. He needed to get out of the bed and possibly out of the house. Dean threw the blankets aside and quietly shuffled to the en suite bathroom before dressing for the day. He didn’t want to see the scene of domesticity that surely waited for him outside the bedroom door, but facing it was his only way out of the house. 

Dean followed his nose down to the kitchen and found Jimmy with an apron tied around his waist, hips swaying to a song in his head, and cooking bacon while waffles finished up in the waffle iron. Dean watched until Cas walked up behind him in a strange mimic of his first morning in the house and leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder. He smelled like coffee, paint, and sunshine and Dean couldn’t stop himself from inhaling him deeply. 

Cas lifted his phone, “Jimmy.” When Jimmy looked back with a smile Cas snapped a picture of him. 

“Oh! Morning, Dean.” Jimmy offered Dean an affectionate smile made Dean’s chest ache. Dean’s phone vibrated in his pocket. 

“Morning.” Dean moved to grab a cup of coffee. He knew he wouldn’t get out of the house before breakfast. Not the way his best friends were. 

“Breakfast is almost done.” Jimmy told him before hugging him tight. Dean put his free hand around Jimmy’s waist and squeezed the firmness there. 

Dean sat at the table with his back to Jimmy and pulled his phone out to check it. It was the picture Cas had taken. Dean smiled softly across the table where Cas took a seat and was drinking a glass of orange juice. 

Dean decided that he didn’t need to run from Jimmy and Cas. He never wanted to run from them. It was something that he attempted to show them many times over the years. It wasn’t them, or the vineyard he ran from. It was everything else.

* * *

“He is such a tool! I have no idea how he still has a job.” Jessica rolled her eyes. 

“I’m sure they have some use for him. Doesn’t sound like it needs to be in your department though.” Naomi smiled at Jess and Dean’s chest ached. 

“Someone so cold hearted shouldn’t be in the medical field. How heartless can someone be to keep me from traveling with Sam during a time like this?” 

He picked at his lunch as the conversation washed over him. Sam and Jess both fellin easily with Cain and Naomi in a way that Dean hasn’t done in a long time. Sure he called them to catch up, but nothing like this. There was so much more to a conversation in person than there was over the phone. 

“Dean?” 

“Hmm?” Dean looked over at Cain. 

“I asked if you ever found a suitable placement for that young girl who lost her father, the one you told me about last month.” 

“Oh yeah. We’ve tried a couple places but she keeps running away. She’s at a new placement this week, but I don’t think it’s going to work either.” Dean sighed, fiddled with his fork. “She calls me all the time too. At this point I wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to foster her myself.” Dean took a bite of mashed potatoes. When he looked up the room was silent and everyone was staring at him. “Wha?” Dean asked before swallowing. 

“Now?” Sam cleared his throat. “You’ve-- In all these years, you’ve never--”

“What I think Sam is trying to say is you’ve never expressed interest in fostering kids before,” Jimmy said diplomatically. 

“I’m a social worker. It’d be weirder if I didn’t consider giving some kids homes.” Dean looked around the table, furrowing his brow. “I don’t know. I mean, I’ve also never had a kid run away and call me everytime the way she does. Pretty sure she has my number on speed dial.” Dean chuckled. 

“She has your _personal_ cell number?” Sam asked. 

“She won’t talk to anyone but me. It just made sense to just give her a direct line, since that saves the entire office a lot of aggravation.” 

Focusing on his plate, Dean felt the weight of everyone staring at him. He glanced up, avoiding meeting the twins’ eyes for the moment. Jess was smiling softly, like she expected this. Cain and Naomi were the same, but then, they’d been listening to him talk about Krissy for months now. Sam just looked confused, like he couldn’t fathom Dean suddenly becoming a foster parent. 

“As long as you’re doing your best to help her, Dean, then I think that you are doing the right thing.” Cain smiled softly at him and Dean’s face warmed at the praise.

Dean ducked his head down. “I mean, she’s a good kid. Just had a lot going on in her life. Could use some guidance.”

“You think letting her stay with you is the answer? Aren’t you worried that she would, I don’t know, steal things? Have strangers over?” Sam asked.

Jess smacked Sam’s arm at the suggestion. 

“Yeah, I do.” Dean looked up sharply at Sam. “She’s a kid, Sam. Lost and alone in the world. She needs someone who actually gives two shits about her.” Dean glanced over to Naomi, “Sorry.” 

Naomi just nodded with a small smile on her face.

“Dean, I just--” 

Jess cut Sam off before he could stick his foot further into his mouth. “I think what Sam is saying is that he is concerned. We haven’t heard you talk much about work lately and you obviously have strong opinions about her situation and care. Maybe it would help ease some of Sam’s concerns you were able to arrange for us to meet her before making life altering decisions.” Jess smiled as she tried to head off the argument. 

Dean took a deep breath before he felt Jimmy’s strong hand on his thigh squeeze. He nodded imperceptibly at Jimmy before responding. 

“I’m not _making_ any life altering decisions. It was just a thought. If you want to meet her, Jess, I suppose I might be able to make that happen. Just to keep my little brother happy about any choices that _I_ make.” Dean specifically ignored Sam’s bitchface. 

“We appreciate your consideration, Dean,” Jess smiled and nudged Sam who mumbled a thanks. Those two were meant for one another. 

Dean pushed his plate away and looked over to Cain and Naomi. “If you’ll excuse me.” Shoving away from the table, he immediately missed the secure heat from Jimmy’s hand when it fell from his thigh.

The loud slam of the front door behind him as he made his escape made Dean wince. He would have to apologize to Cain and Naomi. He took a deep breath and looked around. 

The orchard wasn’t that far from the main house, fresh green leaves and pink blossoms seemed to glow in the spring twilight. His feet still knew the way, following the old path towards the baseball diamond despite the darkness. 

Dean stopped at the treeline, staring at the red-brown dirt a few yards ahead. Shaking, he swallowed and dropped to sit against one of the old cherry trees, a cloud of pink petals puffing up around him. He closed his eyes took a breath and allowed a memory to wash over him.

> _“That’s it, buddy! You’re doing great!” His dad’s voice was filled with pride and Dean smiled brightly and took his stance again, waiting for his father to throw the next ball._
> 
> _Dad pitched it toward him and he swung hard. The bat cracked against the ball, sending it back across the diamond. Biting his lip against the urge to run, Dean watched the ball land in the mid-field before resetting._
> 
> _“Dean! That was great. You know, you keep this up, you could go pro.” Dad’s smile was so radiant in that moment that Dean could only agree._

Dean sighed as he heard his brother approach. As much as he wished Sam would miss him in the dark and go back to the house empty handed, Dean knew he wouldn’t. And honestly, part of Dean was itching for a fight anyway. 

Slowly, Sam eased himself to the ground on the opposite side of the tree. They were both silent for a long moment before Sam took a deep breath.

Dean cut him off before he could even start. “Let’s hear it then, your bullshit excuses for why I shouldn’t help her.” Dean forced a laugh, harsh and unforgiving. “You always understood before, I don’t know why you don’t get it now, but you clearly have problems with it.” 

“So explain it to me! You’ve never thought about inviting a complete stranger into your home before, Dean.”

“Just because she is a stranger to _you_ doesn’t mean she is a stranger to _me_.” 

Dean felt a thump against the tree, Sam’s head hopefully. 

“You’re right. I don’t know her. I just... I worry about you, man. With Dad and now this-- It’s coming out of left field.” 

“What am I supposed to do? She needs help.” Dean’s shoulders slumped as the fight drained out of him. “Fuck if I know if I’m the person to give her that help, but she’s decided that I’m it. And if the best thing for Krissy is to live with me? Yeah, that’s the solution we’re going with.” 

The last of the spring twilight faded around them, full dark sneaking up and stealing all the color from everything even as the frogs and crickets started singing.. 

Eventually, Sam stood and stretched. “I’m headed in. I’m sure Jess will be happy to know we didn’t fight.” 

“Yeah. Let her know I’m grateful for saving your ass at dinner but all that formal shit was weird. Tell her to knock it off.” 

Sam’s warm chuckle filled the air. “Yeah, I’ll let her know.” 

“Whatever. Night, bitch.” 

“Night, jerk.”

* * *

Dean sighed as he pulled movie cases from the shelves, thankful that his father finally made the switch from VHS to DVD. Less bulk that way. He shoved them in the box that was already half full. He wondered briefly what Sam had planned for their dad’s things. 

He shook his head. It didn’t matter. 

Dean finished with the shelves and moved to the drawers below. His hand hovered over a VHS with a smudged white sticker, black ink in his dad’s handwriting, _Best of Dean’s Games_ . It sat next to an older one, the writing smeared and faded almost into illegibility, _Dean’s little league games._

Dean took a shaky breath and stood. He needed… something. An escape from the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. 

He was caught off guard by the twins as they walked into the house with take out containers. 

“Hey, Dean!”  
“Hello, Dean.” 

He nodded as he pushed past them and started searching through the kitchen cabinets, slamming the doors with each failed rummage. Behind him, the twins unpacked the lunch they’d brought and chattered brightly with Sam and Jess. 

“Dean what are you looking for?” Jess asked. “I can probably tell you where to find it.” 

Dean shook his head, kept searching single mindedly. “I know he used to keep some here.” 

“What, the whiskey?” Sam asked incredulously. “Dean, Dad stopped drinking years ago.” Which Dean should know, but they’ve been estranged for so long--

“Fuck.” 

A paint flecked hand slipped around his waist and hold him from behind. “Let’s finish up here. Jimmy and I can help you out when we go back home,” Cas quietly offered into his ear. 

Dean closed his eyes and he took a deep breath. Cas squeezed him tightly again, grounding him before stepping away. 

Dean was quiet through another meal.

* * *

Dean smiled at Jimmy as he poured them all another drink. “I had to tell the guy that the damn stock market didn’t work that way. He tried to tell me he knew better than I did.” 

“Seriously?” 

Jimmy laughed, “Yeah, of course. I informed him that if he felt he knew better than me, he was free to do his own trading and hung up.” 

Dean shook his head as Jimmy handed him his drink and sat between him and Cas. “He probably invested in the wrong things and lost it all.” 

“Considering the trades he wanted me to make on his behalf? Yeah.” 

“Yeah, yeah, we know you’re a stock trading genius.” Cas grinned at Jimmy and shoved against him with his shoulder. 

Dean’s chest ached at the way they smiled at each other and he looked down to his drink and cleared his throat before taking another drink, letting the alcohol burn away the throb. 

“So Dean, tell us about her.” 

“Who?” Dean gave Cas a confused look.

“The girl. The one who apparently has you on speed dial.” Cas clarified. 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Why we haven’t heard of her, but apparently our father has would be a good place to start.” Jimmy said.

“You know I talk to Cain a lot about work.” 

“This seems a bit more personal than work though, Dean.” Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean. 

“You’re right. I don’t know, man.” Dean took a sip of his drink before continuing. “I’ve lasted the longest of all her case workers. Somehow she runs everyone off. I don’t blame her for having trust issues, not with her history, but she’s a great kid. She’s sixteen, seventeen in a few months. Smart as a whip.” Dean chuckled. “The way she can play people too, she was surprised that I was able to see right through her bullshit.” 

Dean rolled the glass in his hands. “She won’t talk about what happened to her mom and it’s not on file. Her dad was a detective, undercover case gone wrong left her an orphan. She made it on her own for almost a year before the school made noise about her dad not coming into any of the parent teacher meetings.” 

“Almost a year? Alone? That’s heartbreaking _and_ impressive.” 

“She wouldn’t talk about how she paid the bills. Not until she talked to me. She made me promise not to put it in the file, she didn’t want to get in trouble.” 

“How did she do it?”

Dean smiled at Cas. “Not my story to tell.” 

“Are you serious about taking her in?” 

Dean shrugged. The alcohol was helping his head float, but he still hadn’t given it any serious thought about the logistics. “It’d be hard, but not impossible. So, yeah. I’m thinking about it, but I don’t know yet.”

“It’s admirable.” Cas stood and stretched, Dean’s eyes lingered before he looked away. 

“Be right back. Need anything when I come back?” Cas shook his glass. 

“Should probably just bring the bottle,” Dean joked but Cas nodded and turned to leave. 

Jimmy moved closer to Dean’s side. Neither of the twins have ever been good with Dean’s personal space and Dean would be lying if he ever said he minded it. 

“If taking this girl in is really what you want to do,” Jimmy held up a hand to stop the words from Dean’s mouth. “After you think about it obviously, then Cas and I would be delighted to help in any way that we can. You’re an incredible person, Dean.” 

Dean turned his head, drunkenly focusing on Jimmy’s blue eyes. 

“You have such a big heart and Cas and I both love that. We want,” Jimmy took a deep breath. 

Before he could say another word, Dean leaned over and pressed his lips to Jimmy’s. 

Cas gasped softly from the doorway, distracting Dean from the warmth of Jimmy’s mouth. Shit, _Cas_. Wide eyed, Dean nearly threw himself away from Jimmy, jumping off the couch.He barely noticed Jimmy following him as he did so. 

“Fuck. Cas.” Dean looked down at Jimmy who stared in confusion. “Jimmy. I’m so sorry. I never, I mean-- Fuck.” 

Dean snatched the bottle of whiskey from Cas before mumbling another apology and fleeing. 

Dean couldn’t believe how badly he fucked up. _He just kissed Jimmy._ His best friend. Who was in a very serious relationship with his other best friend. 

_FUCK._

They may never forgive him. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness, not for this.

He was inside his father’s old house before he knew where he was going, staring at the urn surrounded by boxes. Dean opened the bottle and took a deep swallow. He waited until the burn faded before taking another long drink. 

“Come on, _Dad_. We’re taking a walk.” Dean grabbed the urn under his arm and drunkenly marched to the orchard. 

“The best thing you ever did for Sammy and me was comin’ here.” Dean walked to the edge of the diamond and took a deep breath. “Some of my best memories have been here.” Dean fumbled with the lid to the bottle before it fell to the dirt at his feet and he took another swig. “Some of my worst memories too.” Dean snorted. “Other than losing Mom, of course. But you never really got over that, did you?” 

Dean took a deep breath and walked to home base. He dropped to the dirt, twisting himself to sit cross-legged, and set the urn in front of him. 

Dean took another deep breath and another pull from the bottle. He looked out around the baseball diamond and felt his head swim. 

“This is where it all began. Right here. Cain somehow managed to talk you into letting us do regular kid things for once in our lives and you saw I was good. You saw potential and latched onto it.” Dean scoffed. “I get it. I do.” Dean looked at the urn, a poor substitute for his father, and continued to let his heart spill out. 

“Every parent wants to see their child succeed more than them. Until we came here, almost anything would have been more of a success. Not that I’m not grateful for coming here. Meeting Cain and coming here was the best thing for us.” 

With one more drink from the bottle, Dean leaned back on his hands and looked up. The clouds drifted across the night sky as his head swam. He should have more water. Dean moved his head slowly and glared back to the urn. 

“Why’d you have to push for more? I accomplished so much. I was the highest paid player in the history of the minors. Why couldn’t that have been enough for you? Why couldn’t _I_ be enough for you?” Dean’s voice cracked. 

Clearing his throat, Dean looked around the diamond. “I know I was a disappointment to you. The one thing I did that made you proud and I spit in your face when I declined the MLB contracts that were being thrown my way. It was even worse than telling you about my sexuality. That you could at least tolerate.” Dean snorted. “As long as it was publically hidden and didn’t interfere with my baseball career. 

“I loved you. I looked up to you. All I wanted in life for the longest time was to make you proud. Meeting Cain was the best thing for us. I wish I could see you the way Cain does. No matter what, he always saw the good in you. He still hasn’t stopped trying to get me see it too. Maybe now that you’re gone, I’ll be able to. We’re never going to clear things up between us now, maybe listening to him will get me some closure.” Dean sat back up, quickly slumping over to grab the bottle with dusty hands. 

“Look at me. Turning out more like you every day, aren’t I?” Dean sneered at the urn as he drank deeply from the bottle. 

“Now I’ve probably fucked up the best friendships I ever had. Wish I could blame that on you. The only part I can blame on you is the untimely death part. I wouldn't be here right now making poor decisions if you hadn’t died.” Dean’s eyes teared up and he swiped angrily at them. 

“Why? Why did you have to die? I wanted so badly for one day to see you again and have you accept me and my choices. You fucking denied me that. Cain told me you were gonna come see me. You. Bastard. So stubborn you had to make sure that you always had the last word. Even when you planned on changing that. Left me hanging. Fuck you. Fuck you for never accepting me. Fuck you for making me feel like I wasn’t worth anything if I didn’t have a bat in my hand. Fuck you for dying.” Dean let the tears flow freely. 

“Fuck you for not telling me you loved me one last time. I gave you all I had in the hopes that one day I could have what I wanted. Only to be cast aside.” Dean chuckled humorlessly. “And now I have even less. You died, I’ll never get to hash this out with you, not the way I deserve. I fucked up back there too.” Dean gestured in the general direction of the twins’ house. “I’ve been in love with them for so long. I’ve done really well. Then for one last fuck you, you died and made me vulnerable. Now they won’t want anything to do with me.” Dean bowed his head letting his tears fall to the loose dirt below. 

“I hate you.” He whispered. “Really inconvenient that I still love you too.” Dean pulled John’s urn close and hugged it close to his chest as he let the tears flow. “I just wanted you to be proud of me.” 

Dean felt two people sit next to him and wrap him in their arms. He knew, somewhere, it was Jimmy and Cas. His pain dominated the moment however and he allowed the two men he loved to hold him as he wept.

* * *

Dean woke slowly. His mouth was dry and his eyes gummy, but his head didn’t pound as much as he expected. He was in the bed he had been staying in the past few days, but he didn’t remember how he arrived there. The last thing he remembered was feeling safe with Jimmy and Cas surrounding him. 

_Jimmy and Cas._

Dean groaned as he remembered kissing Jimmy the night before. He figured there were two outcomes, either the twins wrote it off as Dean being completely drunk and doing something stupid, or Dean would be out two best friends. He _really_ hoped that it was the former. 

After a slow, deep breath, Dean slowly sat up and put his feet on the ground. His stomach lurched and he held back a wave of nausea. He quickly made his way to the bathroom and was able to take care of his bladder before leaning over and emptying the contents of his stomach. The rancid smell of urine and liquor assaulted his nose and he heaved again and again until his stomach had nothing left to give. 

Dean somehow managed to flush the toilet before pressing the side of his face against the cool seat of it.

Dean was unsure how much time went by before one of the twins came in and held a glass of water up to his mouth and told him to rinse his mouth. After doing as he was told and spitting the liquid into the toilet, he was instructed to drink the rest. 

Dean was carefully hauled up and walked back to his room. He barely registered the bucket next to the bed or the painkillers forced down his throat before being carefully tucked back into bed with gentle hands.

* * *

By the time Dean woke again, it was late afternoon. He took stock again and could definitely use a toothbrush and a shower. When he looked over the side of the bed to the bucket, it was thankfully empty. 

He took a careful sip of the water on his bedside. It wasn’t at room temperature, Jimmy or Cas were still taking care of him even while he was passed out. His chest ached at the thought. Even after kissing Jimmy-- _how could he_ \-- they still dragged his ass to bed and took care of him.

He had to face the music eventually. He put the glass down and sat up slowly. He still felt off but not like he was going to vomit again either. Dean opened the door slowly and stood to listen. The house was silent around him, with no sign of the twins. 

Dean brushed his teeth as the shower warmed then stepped under the spray. He let his mind go blank as the water washed over him, watching the suds circle the drain and flow down. 

He wrapped himself in a soft towel after he dried himself and made his way back to the room. He still didn’t hear the twins, they must be helping Cain with the vineyard or running errands. He left the door open enough to hear movement while he dressed. 

He just slid his jeans over his hips when he heard the front door open. 

“He’s his brother, Jimmy.” 

“I get that, Cas. I do. How would _you_ feel about me right now? If we were in their positions?” 

It was silent for a moment. “Okay, but still. Sam and Dean, no matter how close they are, have always had very different relationships with John.” 

“You’re right. We aren’t here to dissect their relationships, we need to be here for Dean.” 

The silence stretched uncomfortably. Dean hurriedly pulled his shirt on and slipped into his boots. 

“I’m worried about him, Cas.” The pain in Jimmy’s voice made Dean’s chest ache. 

“Me too.” 

They passed out of earshot and Dean lost track of their conversation. At least they didn’t hate him. Dean slipped down the hall and to the kitchen as quietly as he could. He smiled when he saw a still warm pot of coffee waiting for him.

Fresh coffee in hand, he headed to the living room where Cas and Jimmy were curled together and watching a documentary on mute. Standing in the doorway, he leaned against the wall and looked at them, waiting for them to notice, to invite him to join them--

Jimmy glanced over after a couple of minutes, catching Dean’s eye and staring. 

Dean shivered, caught fast in Jimmy’s blue eyes before Cas spoke up. 

“How are you feeling, Dean?” 

Dean huffed a small laugh. “Not nearly as bad as I should be, thanks to you two. So uh, thanks.” 

“Anything you need, Dean.” Jimmy stood and walked over to Dean slowly as if he were trying not to spook an animal. He stopped mere inches away, staring at Dean again. The air around them shifted as Jimmy searched his eyes, looking for something unsaid. Dean let him look his fill, clenching his jaw and trying not to flinch away.

Cas appeared next to them at some point, watching them and resting a hand on their backs. “Jimmy, I’m…” Dean swallowed, “I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

“Last night.” Dean closed his eyes and took a drink of coffee, hiding behind the cup. He hoped Jimmy would accept the apology and let them move on--. 

“A lot of things happened last night, Dean. I’m gonna need you to clarify.” 

Dean broke and looked into his mug. “You know what I’m talking about.” 

Jimmy’s fingers brushed Dean’s, tangling them together Cas carefully took Dean’s hot coffee and set it on a nearby table and took Dean’s other hand in his before Jimmy continued.

“Dean,” Jimmy said softly, “You don’t need to apologize for anything from last night.”

“Well, maybe for running away,” Cas offered playfully. 

“What?” Dean asked, eyes lingering on their fingers twined with his. 

“Dean, what do you think I was going to say before you kissed me?” Jimmy gently prodded. 

Dean shrugged carefully, still looking down, focusing on their hands. They were _both_ holding his hand. That had to mean something, he just wasn’t understanding what yet. 

“We know you’re going through a lot right now. We debated on waiting but we’ve already waited long enough.” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand and moved closer.

Dean furrowed his brow while keeping his eyes on their hands. Gentle fingers under Dean’s chin tipped his head up, Dean kept his eyes lowered. 

“Dean. Look at me.” Steel threaded through Cas’ voice and Dean looked into his blue eyes. “Did you kiss Jimmy just because you were drunk?” 

Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times before he answered. “I mean, I probably wouldn’t have if I was sober, but it wasn’t _just_ because I was drunk.” Dean whispered. 

“Is it just Jimmy?” Cas’ voice was quiet, vulnerable. 

“What?” 

Jimmy moved closer trapping their clasped hands between their bodies. “Is it just me you want? Or do you want Cas too?” Jimmy asked blunt in a way Cas usually is. 

For a split second, Dean saw fear and heartbreak pass through Cas’ eyes before he schooled his features and tried to pull his hand away. Dean held tight and waited until Cas looked back at him. 

“It’s both of you,” Dean said, allowing his confidence to thread through. “It’s always been both of you.” This he was sure of, always had been. He swallowed. “If that is what you’re asking.” Dean’s heart warmed as Cas slowly smiled at him. “I never said anything because, well…” He hoped they understood. 

“Dean, may I kiss you?” Cas asked and Dean immediately nodded his consent. Cas’ free hand slide to Dean’s jaw and cradled his face, thumb running softly over his cheekbone as he stared into Dean’s soul before leaning in and pressing his lips carefully to Dean’s. 

It was chaste but it meant the world to Dean. His lungs were having trouble pulling in oxygen even as Cas pulled away. His eyes were still closed and he let out a small sound. Another hand gripped his chin, turned his face slightly, and Jimmy pressed his lips to Dean’s as well. 

Jimmy pulled away and Dean kept his eyes closed. After a moment, he slowly opened them. He looked at Jimmy and Cas, took in their hopeful expressions, his lips curved up and so did theirs. 

“Are you sure? I mean…” 

“If Jimmy and I have been able to maintain such an unconventional relationship for all these years, I think the three of us can manage it, don’t you?” 

“I mean, we have been best friends for nearly our whole lives.” 

Dean smiled. “I’m... this is real? I’m not still sleeping off my drunk?” 

Jimmy laughed, his head thrown back, the sound wrapping Dean in a warmth he longed to keep. 

“Very real,” Cas said. 

Smiling, Jimmy and Cas pulled Dean to the couch. They sat and talked for the rest of the afternoon. They were going to take it slow. They understood that Dean needed time to adjust, not just to a reality the twins had been discussing for a surprisingly long time, but also to the loss of his father. 

Occasionally, they got side tracked when Cas or Jimmy would kiss Dean out of the blue. He would smile and hesitate to do the same, after so many years of not kissing them it would take time to indulge in finally being allowed. 

“We aren’t asking you to move here. Not yet anyway,” Jimmy reassured him. 

“Dean, we are absolute on how we feel about you. Nothing will change that. We can take this at your pace. If we need to make more frequent visits to see you, that can be arranged.” 

“What if I don’t want to move back here?” Dean asked. 

“Then we will figure it out when that time comes,” Jimmy quickly responded. 

“What about...umm, what about K?” Dean asked. 

“The young lady you are considering fostering?” Cas asked. “What about her?”

Dean nodded. 

“If you choose to foster her then so be it. We will support you. Even without this,” Jimmy gestured between the three of them, “we’ll do whatever we can to help her out.” 

The three of them shared slow but heated kisses that frequently needed to be cooled down until it was time to join everyone at the main house for dinner. Nothing and everything had changed. They all sat in the same seats, and while there was no noticeable change in the displays of affection between the three of them, things _felt_ different between them. 

As difficult as it was after sharing a joint and making out on the couch, the three of them didn’t remove one piece of clothing when Dean was pulled into the twins shared bed. They continued to share lazy winterfresh kisses after brushing their teeth. Dean took deep breaths to force his body to calm before falling asleep wrapped in the arms of Cas and Jimmy.

* * *

The morning Dean needed to leave, he and Sam stood in silence, staring at the house they grew up in. The roof where Sam fell and broke his arm. The porch where Dean sat waiting for Jimmy and Cas. Where he had his first real fight with his dad when he came out to him. His first real heartbreak when he realized he was in love with the twins, followed immediately by the realization they were in love with each other. The day Dean told his dad he was going into the minors and how proud he was of Dean. 

“I’m gonna miss him,” Dean said. Sam made a shocked noise and Dean could feel his stare boring into the side of his head. 

“Yeah. Me too.” Sam said quietly. “What are we gonna do with his ashes?” 

“I think he would have liked to be with Mom. Going to Kansas isn’t really in my plans though,” Dean said as he turned to Sam.

“Not to mention the Campbells probably wouldn’t let us dig up her grave and I don’t think we should just dump his ashes on top of her grave site.” 

“What about…” Dean turned to the vineyard and the barely visible baseball diamond beyond it. “I mean, we both know how much it meant to him.” 

Sam hummed next to him and nodded. “Yeah. We could do that.” 

Either of them keeping their dad’s ashes was never an option. Neither of them wanted it and he deserved to be in a place he loved. What better than the baseball field in the middle of the vineyard he dedicated his life to? 

Mid-morning found Sam and Dean on the field with John’s urn in hand. They were the only ones on the field, but the rest of their family was nearby. Jess and Jimmy talked animatedly under one of the cherry trees. Cas and Naomi walked nearby as Cas pointed towards the buildings where they would haul the harvest in the fall. Cain was at the main house doing whatever it was he needed to. 

“I’m sorry.” Sam broke their silence. 

“What for, Sammy?” Dean looked up curiously. 

“I was an asshole about that girl. It just caught me off guard is all. I guess it kinda made me realize how far we’ve drifted. You talk to Cain regularly about her and about work but never once mentioned it to me.” Sam took a deep breath. “I guess I just wish that we were as close as we used to be. I wish you felt that you could share those things with me.” 

“I get it, man. No need to apologize. Just don’t be a dick anymore.” 

Sam chuckled. “Yeah. Okay.” 

“You know, you’ve got Jess now, man. You’re all grown up. Don’t need me anymore. I’ll make more of an effort though.” 

Sam nodded. “Dean, I really hope that you find similar happiness. You deserve it.” 

Dean smiled as he watched Cas wander over towards Jimmy and Jess. “Yeah. Me too.” 

“Oh.” Sam’s voice was quiet. 

Dean looked down to the dirt and smiled shyly. “Are we gonna do this?” 

“Yeah. We are.” 

They opened the urn and let the wind carry his ashes to settle into the dirt of the field. Sam turned to him with the metal container in his hand and gave a small smile. “I’m glad you’re finally getting what you want. I hope they make you happy.” 

“Thanks, Sammy.” Dean watched Sam walk away before he looked around the field. 

Dean shook his head. “You always were a stubborn bastard. It’s obviously where I got it.” Dean pushed dirt around with his boot and took a hiccuping breath. 

“I’m leaving it all here. I mean, I know I say that, the memories will follow me, but they won’t haunt me anymore. I won’t let them. I’m gonna forgive myself. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to forgive you.” He looked up to see the twins watching him. 

“Until then I’m gonna continue to live my best life, I’m gonna love deeply, and I’m gonna reconnect with Sam and Jess. I’m sure I’ll end up being an uncle before too long.” He smiled at Jess and Sam walking back to the main house. 

“Bye, Dad.” 

Dean walked to his boyfriends and didn’t look back.

* * *

Dean walked back into his office with a smile and nearly jumped out of his skin when his desk chair turned, like in a Bond film, and Krissy sat there with a curious look. 

“You’re happy.” It was a simple statement but it almost felt like an accusation.

Dean set his leather briefcase down next to his desk before taking the seat on the opposite side of the desk. Dean and Krissy started at one another and Dean tipped his mouth in a smirk. 

“All you need is a cat to pet and you would be a great villain.” 

“That would be truly evil since you’re allergic.” 

Dean blinked and his smile faltered. He realized that he would be willing to take allergy meds daily if it meant that she would be happy. 

A slow smile spread over his face and laughed when Krissy scrunched her nose and asked, “What? Are you having a stroke or something?” 

Dean rested his forearms on the desk and leaned forward, “Krissy, I want to make you a deal.” 

She eyed him suspiciously before she asked, “What kind of deal?” He searched her eyes for a moment before she started, “Look if this is about Milton’s, I never had —” 

“No. The Milton’s understood.” Dean paused. “What do you think about staying with me?” 

“What?” 

“I’m already your case manager, so the approval process should be quick. I’ve got the room, you wouldn’t have to run anymore…” Dean let the sentence trail off. 

“You want to foster me?” Dean nodded. “Why?” 

“I want the best for you. I know that may not be me, but I’m willing to try if you are.” 

Krissy’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “What if you get tired of me?” 

“If that was gonna happen, it would’ve happened already.” 

“What if you leave me too?” Krissy asked, quietly. 

“It’ll never happen.” 

“You don’t know that. You can’t promise me that.” 

Dean sighed and nodded. “You’re right, I shouldn’t make promises like that. I _can_ promise I will do everything in my power to not let that happen.” 

She swiped at the tears as soon as they started falling but nodded before she took a deep breath and turned to him. “Okay.” 

“Yeah?” She nodded. “That’s great. You may want to change your mind though when I tell you what the deal is.” 

She snorted. “You’re not subtle, Dean. I know what you want.” 

“Oh yeah? Tell me then, smart ass.” 

“You want me to stay in school.” She rolled her eyes before wiping them again. 

“I’d also like you to go to college or a trade school or something after high school.” 

“Seriously?” She glared at him. 

They stared one another down for a while before she sighed. “Fine, old man. I guess I could do that, but I’m going to have a job too.” 

“I think I can handle that.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed and want to come yell at me about it, or DCJ in general, you can find me on PillowFort as [FormidablePassion](https://www.pillowfort.io/FormidablePassion)  
> I promise I’m nice.
> 
> For more information about the [DCJ Big Bang or DCJ Hiatus Indulgence](http://dcjbigbang.tumblr.com/) you can pop over on tumblr.  
> We also have a discord server for [DCJ Lovers](https://discord.gg/spZtbv2).


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